my heart is made of gravy

lately i've been eager to get out of new york city. i know i'm not alone in this feeling. this feeling that new york city just swallows you up into this big wind tunnel and all that you can do to save yourself is get the fuck out. but i haven't done that yet... though i'll be heading out on the road with the band. believe me, i can't fucking wait!

other than that i've been trying to keep myself busy and loaded. during fourth of july i spent much of the day lazying around with katy and stephanie of va. at some point i was able to drag them out to bedford to buy frozen fruits for my daiquiri binge. yes, i've become obsessed with making alcoholic drinks with my blender. a summertime delight for sure. mmmmm. along bedford we ran into the lovely jo and later on the bishop allen kids. such nice peeps. then i biked it over to george's house and found him, along with joe, stuck on the couch watching the sonic youth dvd that george bought. then george and i headed over to this girl eunice's rooftop party in greenpoint. we brought a bottle of makers and a bottle of ginger ale and had ourselves a party with like 500 other people. it was pretty fucking awesome. we eventually ran into some of the gang -- joe, greg, christy, ryan and other people within that circle. i got wasted really quickly and trudged home to pass out. this is to be me calling card for the next month, i think.

i haven't been going to many shows lately because frankly i don't have too much free time, and when i do have it, i find myself rather hanging out with friends i haven't seen that much. but at the same time, i'm also busy working on tons of other crap. i think i just always overbook myself, but at least i have my priorities sorta figured out.

i'm also finding that i can't bee happy all the time. fuckin a! during the hot summer days, i just want to lie down in some grassy field and dream of a world where smiles come hand in hand with sweet handshakes and affectionate hugs. a world where being alone ain't so bad. a world where people aren't so self-involved... where is that world, and how do i get my rocket there?

i also accepted jay's invitation to make up with his bailins. so i rolled on over to 186 to chill out with him and his funny roommates. i ran into adira there. everyone was drinking wine and cheese, and jay had the united states of america cranked on his stereo. i experienced a knifer for the first time. glorious. then we all walked to this bento box place somewhere on second avenue with all of this amazing food for a great price. don't remember what it's called, but i'm sure jay will fill us all in. on the way back to 186, we see all the people outside of mercury lounge for the delays. said hello to brian and moved along to eat our grub. i got my polaroid added to jay's infamous wall. i told him the photos looked like the cover of that vice book, and he declared he came up with the idea first. word. jay threw on "club dread" and i almost vomited at how bad the movie was.

luckily i didn't have to watch the entire movie. i left shortly to see the winter pageant at sin-e, and let me tell you that their music did not help my downtrodden mood any. i always want to cry when i listen to them. but it's ok, i was actually not looking to be cheered up. sometimes it's therapeutic to be glum. just as long as you don't hurt anyone else along the way. i left halfway through the rosebuds' set because i literally couldn't stay awake any longer, not because they were bad or anything. they were quite good and more energetic than i thought their music would be. i want to check them out again...

last friday i also ended up making daiquiris for a bunch of friends that came over... susan, carol, anna, ryan, will beck, gorman?, christy, dj, doug, emma... am i forgetting anyone? we hung for a lil bit. some of us headed to ryan the girl's birthday party. jenna met up with us there. it was pretty fun, but i fell into another sour mood and ran home to chill out where there weren't strange people. then i ended up going out again later to another party... forget who, but it was a block from my apartment so i said, what the hay. then i spent the next hour watching dj's best friend christy freestyle rapping with two other dudes. i watched in amazement with my mouth wide open. how does someone have that much energy!!!??? it was awesome.

saturday i went to siren fest and it was a fucking party. i wasn't sure it would turn out so well, but the the fact that i had so many friends around me the entire time was pretty fucking rad. i ran into dj, sung bin, fon lin, anna, dt, noah, jo, bidi, cameron, peter, keith a, autumn, jay disquieter, but not jay goodtimes! jco and hope who i haven't seen in ages!! matthew* of course rocking out to the fever. john martin, sarah, and that whole crew of jo's. audrey. dawn. i know i'm forgetting people. but in short, everyone was there! and that made siren a blast. some of us took some time to ride the wonder wheel, and those swinging cars are fucking fun as shit. all of the bands were amazingly, but i particularly hold blonde redhead close to my heart. there are few bands out there that i could say are a complete soundtrack to my life... blonde redhead is one of them. there is such inherent sadness to their music, a sadness that completely explains me, soothes me, comforts me. too bad i had to miss mission of burma due to my blonde redhead addiction. i'll talk about the other bands in another post.

today anna and i had lunch at the falafel place. after lunch i found out that anna and i had just missed someone committing suicide. literally minutes after we walked past this building, someone had jumped and splattered onto the ground. we didn't see it, but one of my coworkers were apparently walking not far behind us and saw the body on the ground, covered up in a yellow blanket, shoe sticking out and a growing pool of blood. how many times have we all wanted to just end our lives in public like that? suicide seems like almost too intimate an act to display in public. all of the darkness we keep to ourselves is all of a sudden on display for anyone who happens to walk by. it's their final plea, i suppose. it's like, look at who i am. notice me. care for me. but you're already dead. so what's the point?