going conando



read conan o'brien's graduation speech at stuyvesant high school.

the man is a comic genius.

conan's 6 tips for college:

Number one: most of you are going to competitive schools, so psych-out the competition right away. It's simple, here's how you do it -- show you at freshman orientation with a copy of Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time and a black magic marker. Sit in the dining hall and start crossing out whole paragraphs of the book while yelling "WRONG, IDIOT!" "TRY AGAIN HAWKING!" "This guy's an ass!"

Number two: rip out a picture in a magazine of a hot guy or girl and frame it. Tell people its your boy or girlfriend who goes to Ohio-Wesleyan and that your relationship is purely physical. When people ask you why she looks suspiciously like Jessica Alba throw a hot tray in their face and run away.

Three: be warned, everyone has a weird roommate. If you don't have a weird roommate, then you're the weird room mate. (applause)

Four: if you want to get out of a test, don't say you have a family emergency. Everyone says they have a family emergency in college and it never works. Say you have diarrhea. No one ever says they have diarrhea unless they do.

Five -- write these down, these work. Five: some of you guys will be tempted to grow a goatee. Do not grow a goatee. A goatee is just a beard with low self esteem. On the same note, some of you girls will be tempted to get a lower back tattoo. I just want to say -- that's totally awesome. (applause, principal shakes his head) My message is a little different than your message. You won't invite me back.

Number six: people will tell you that your future depends on what major you choose. This is not true. Einstein majored in hotel management. Dick Cheney majored in modern dance, and Britney Spears wrote a thesis on socialist labor relationships in post-glasnost Poland.